


live to let you shine

by mochiboom



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: AU, Cute, First Kisses, M/M, oh my god this is disgusting but in a really cute way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 12:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1744970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochiboom/pseuds/mochiboom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaworu stands beside him, face tilted to the sky and hands tucked into his pockets; serene. Perfect. As he always is.</p><p>For the umpteenth time Shinji feels inadequate beside him.</p><p>/Shinji has *feelings* and Kaworu is embarrassingly direct/</p>
            </blockquote>





	live to let you shine

**Author's Note:**

> An AU set the day before Kaworu dies

The day before it all goes to hell they’d gone to the beach.

Nothing’s changed about it since the last time they were there, since the very first time he’d laid eyes on Nagisa Kaworu and the very first time someone had looked at him with something other than apathy.

The air still carries with it a slight chill, the last vestiges of winter creeping down the collar of Shinji’s shirt and making him shiver. Kaworu stands beside him, face tilted to the sky and hands tucked into his pockets; serene. _Perfect_. As he always is.

For the umpteenth time Shinji feels inadequate beside him.

The tide’s on its way out, lapping and foaming at the sand as it retreats. The sky is a deep red, bleeding into the dark purple of the evening sky. Shinji tangles his fingers together, restlessly scratching at the thin skin of his wrists. He feels too small in his own kin; part of him wants to rip into it and shed himself like a snake or a cicada.

Kaworu’s gentle hands on his own start him out of his reverie and he looks up with a start. Kaworu’s moved from his position next to Shinji to in front of him, kneeling on the damp sand. There’s a sadness in his face that Shinji wants to smooth away; he doesn’t like to see Kaworu sad. Kaworu who is always smiling at him, _for him_ shouldn’t be sad. Not when Shinji is sad enough for the both of them.

“Sorry,” He looks to the side, at the sticky piles of seaweed that have been left behind b the sea, they look as if they’re reaching out towards it. _Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone_. He thinks he can hear their crying.

“Why are you sorry, Shinji-kun?” Kaworu’s voice is soft; his fingers cool on Shinji’s skin.

 _Because I don’t like to make you sad_ , he thinks but doesn’t say.

“Oh,” he shrugs, drawing one of his hands out of Kaworu’s grasp and draws meaningless patterns in the sand. “For, y’know,” The words get stuck in his throat and he cannot ( _willnot_ ) force them past his teeth.

“I don’t,” Kaworu answers, painfully honest as he always is and Shinji drops his head with a sigh, brushing the sand off his hand carelessly on his trousers.

He looks up, a wan smile on his face. “Forget it,” He says. “It’s nothing.” Something in Kaworu’s face changes and he looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t press the issue. Shinji’s half-grateful, half-disappointed.

 _I’m being unfair_ , he thinks. _Kaworu-kun’s not a mind reader_.

“It’s disconcerting, is it not?” Kaworu’s voice breaks the silence. Shinji looks up.

“What is?” He asks.

“The feeling of not belonging; not here, not at NERV, not even in your own body.” He’s still holding Shinji’s hand, which is curled, like a baby bird, in Kaworu’s palm. Shinji swallows. He’s seen the scars on Kaworu’s wrist before; he makes no effort to hide them, nor show them off, like Asuka does with the scar on her neck. “It’s okay to feel like that, you know?” Kaworu continues. “A lot is expected of you, but you’re still so young.” His smile is disarming and Shinji’s hands start to shake involuntarily, his heart thundering in his chest because _how does Kaworu always know what he’s thinking_.

“Because I’m always thinking about you.” Kaworu replies and Shinji realises he must have spoken out loud. He thinks he should be embarrassed but then again, Kaworu never seems to treat him with anything less than kindness. Hesitantly he moves closer to Kaworu, who responds by tightening the grip he has on Shinji’s hand.

They sit together for what seems like hours, listening to the drag of the sea and watching as the sun slips below the horizon, the sky bleeding from red to purple to black. The wind picks up again and Shinji shivers, suddenly aware of how cold he is. Kaworu looks down at him, a smile tugging at his lips.

“We’d best return to NERV,” He says, getting to his feet and tugging Shinji with him. Shinji stands a little reluctantly, not wanting to leave. He expects Kaworu to let go of his hand as they walk back to NERV, but is shocked and secretly a little pleased when he doesn’t.

The streets are quiet and empty as they walk through them, hand in hand. Occasionally a cat slinks out from behind a bin or a bird settles on the telephone wires criss-crossing the sky, but other than that they are completely alone. Shinji keeps sneaking glances at Kaworu out of the corner of his eye. At least he _thinks_ he’s being sneaky until Kaworu catches him right in the act. He smiles, Shinji blushes, heart giddy in his chest.

His phone buzzes in his back pocket as they approach NERV. Grudgingly he lets go of Kaworu’s hand to fish it out.

_Shinji,_

_I’m heading home in ten minutes._

_Misato_

“It’s from Misato-san,” He explains, typing out a reply.

_I’m still here, did you bring your car?_

Kaworu hums under his breath, leaning against the wall of a shop. The neon light from the sign glances off his hair; red, blue, purple. The phone buzzes again.

_I’ll meet you by the main entrance in five minutes._

He snaps the phone shut and stuffs it back into his pocket. “Um, Misato-san’s taking me home, she says to meet her outside the main entrance,” He scuffs the toe of his shoe along the pavement.

“I’ll walk you,” Kaworu offers, pushing off the wall and taking Shinji’s hand again, as easy as breathing. Shinji stares at him, naked astonishment on his face and Kaworu just smiles at him. “Let’s go, Shinji-kun,”

Thankfully Misato’s not there when they arrive; it’s only been five minutes since she texted so Shinji thinks they still have a little time. They sit inside the old bus stop, thighs pressed together on the tiny plastic seat, hands clasped between them.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu’s voice makes him jump and he looks up, breath catching when he see how close their faces are. “Thank you for coming with me today,” His thumb sweeps absently over Shinji’s knuckles, the simple gesture stealing the breath from Shinji’s lungs and the voice from his throat. He’s vaguely aware that it’s started raining but it’s like white noise in the background. He swallows, breath clouding gently in the cool air.

He’s not entirely sure which one of them moves first but suddenly they’re kissing and Shinji doesn’t know if it’s day or night or even where they are. His free hand bunches in the back of Kaworu’s shirt and he moves closer instinctively. Kaworu’s hand comes up to cradles the side of Shinji’s face, fingers stroking his hairline and Shinji’s heart feels like it could burst out of his chest.

He gasps out a breath as Kaworu leaves tiny kisses all over his face; his cheeks, his forehead and finally his eyelids, breath fanning peach skin-soft over his skin. Hesitantly he opens his eyes, chest heaving as he tries in vain to get his breath back. Kaworu’s staring at him with something approaching rapture on his face; eyes wide and cheeks faintly flushed.

He opens his mouth to say something or kiss him again, Shinji has no idea but Misato’s voice carries across the car park towards them and Shinji’s heart plummets.

“Shinji?” She calls, a dark smudge in the pelting rain.

“I- I’ll be right there, Misato-san,” He replies, voice shaky. He looks up at Kaworu, voice heavy with disappointment. “I, um, I have to go,” He says, miserably.

“So it seems,” Kaworu replies with a rueful smile. He slides off the bench and smoothes down the front of his shirt. Shinji clenches his hands into the fabric of his uniform trousers, suddenly resentful toward Misato. He hears Kaworu chuckle quietly and then his hand curves under Shinji’s chin and he kisses him again, lips curved up in a smile.

Shinji whimpers, throwing his arms around Kaworu’s neck, desperate to hold on. His hands shake as Kaworu gently coaxes his mouth open, sweeping his tongue across the roof of his mouth and tilting his head, eye lashes brushing Shinji’s cheek. Shinji gasps tiny, stunned sounds into his mouth, wishing with all his might that Misato just _leaves already_ and goes home.

No such luck.

“Shinji!” She calls again, sounding irate.

They break apart with a gasp, Kaworu immediately folds Shinji into an embrace, Shinji clutches back just as tightly, pressing his face into the curve of Kaworu’s neck.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu murmurs adoringly, voice low and gentle. Shinji nods against Kaworu’s chest, warm despite the chill in the air. He feels bereft when Kaworu steps away, out into the rain, but his lips still tingle from being kissed and he giggles in spite of himself.

“ _Finally_ ,” Misato grumps as he runs over. “What were you doing with the Fifth Child?” She sounds genuinely curious but Shinji knows her too well to play her games.

“N- nothing,” He stutters out, looking down at the tarmac and trying to keep the smile off his face.

“Mm hmm,” She replies, smug. “ _Nothing_ , okay, whatever you say, Shinji-kun.” Shinji rolls his eyes and follows her back to the car For once in his life he’s looking forward to tomorrow coming.


End file.
